Landed in the 'Burgh

We walked through security toward baggage claim and there was an announcement and handwritten sign posted: "Halftime, Steelers 3, Ravens 13". People moaned, out loud, in a group expression. I suddenly knew I was not in Kansas anymore, Toto, but rather home in the 'Burgh, land of the Terrible Towel. We managed to get thru town well before the end of the game, and even got back here to Memoo's in time to see the Steelers win, so all is well. :)

This is wedding week central here. My oldest goddaughter, your cousin Kristin, is getting married, and in honor and tribute to my Mimi, my goddaughter's grandmother, I have to tell you she has baked over 700 cookies in the last few weeks!!! Mimi's yummy delights will not be revealed until wedding day. Rumor has it there will be two kinds of biscotti, pizzelles, lady fingers, peanut butter balls, tea knots, and more. So much for giving up sugar!! Well, for this week anyway.

Last week at conference actually proved to be pretty easy to stay away from sugar and find good options other than wheat. I had only one truly loopy day there. And things here in the 'Burgh could be easy-ish, too, but I'm simply making exceptions. We don't often have the chance for real Italian food and Mimi's cookies! And since I don't know how to make her cookies -- I don't know if any of us in the next generations of the family do! -- it always feels like a yummy chance I don't want to miss. And maybe a gateway to the touchstones of a long ago (possibly over romanticized) :) childhood.

Also thinking a lot about life's transitions and joy and grief and how it all seems to come in one breath. You know, Kota, that Mimi's husband died a few years ago. We all adored Unkie. Mimi says if she could have custom ordered a husband, she'd not have done as well as she did when she got Unkie. He was a good being. A treasure. And though I don't know how often Mimi expresses it, she misses him terribly. At dinner she was a little teary. "We had 53 wonderful years together. He was so good. I didn't deserve a man as good as he was," she says. And then she mentions that while she's glad to hear I dream of him and his cousin dreams of him, she fears her crying keeps his spirit away from her. She's never had a single dream of him. She heard a wives tale that said crying keeps the souls of loved ones from us. Oh, my heart breaks.

I tried to assure her that was not true. I tried to tell her I've cried much since you died, Kota, and you've come to me in dreams. Tried to assure her that crying is an expression of love. But it is a tale that seems to be ingrained. My meager protests don't sink in past the layers of the old wives. So I tell her that when I dream about Unkie next, I'll tell him to go see her! And heck, at this time of year with the veil so thin, I think I may make some of my Day of the Dead rituals dedicated to asking him to go see her for goodness sake! Kota, if you are there and so is Unkie, could you let him know, too? Can't hurt for him to hear it from multiple voices. It's the only thing I can think to do to try and give Mimi comfort. Well, besides just letting her talk and cry as much as she wants, to give her that without judgement or reserve. She's such a good person. Amazing really. Her life is so interesting. She has always been present and so filled with grace and good.

Heck, I figure, if nothing else, the woman baked 700+ cookies this month even with her bad knee and hurt hip, she deserves the miracle of a dream from Unkie! You hear me, Uncle Henry??! Just visit with her, okay?!

Now for the merry wedding!

Next up is wedding goodness. We have lots of family coming, dinners, visits, rehearsal, wedding, photo taking, etc. Father of the bride was down with the flu today. Been sending Reiki for healthy vibes for Father of the bride to be well and to keep all others healthy, too!

Got to chat with Kris and Nathan tonight about photos. See your dad is doing all the photography for them. Think it will be fun and can't wait to see Hawk's vision for them. They had lots of ideas and made a great checklist for us to see all the kinds of shots they hope to get. Praying for clear, cool weather so we might take advantage of outside, natural light. Maybe hit a park or two for bridal party photos. We'll see.

Anyway, got to see their new home and meet their kitty-cat for the first time tonight. It's so crazy to be seeing her in her grown up life. I remember a beautiful baby girl. I was madly in love with her and had the greatest summers looking after her when I was a teenager. When she was two, she would go around the house opening drawers and taking all the stuff out of them. It was the funniest quirk. I remember teaching her to swim and hanging out in the pool with her for hours on sunny afternoons. Gosh, it seems like yesterday and a million years ago at the same time. And all those memories make me a little wistful for all the memories you and I don't have, Kota.

And I have to wonder, when will I return to the 'Burgh next after this? Will it be for the baptism of her babies?

Meditating on the Now

Must admit it is a very challenging practice to stay in the NOW while I'm here. So many memories and touchstones floating around. Things rise to the surface, and I'm not sure what they are or from whence they came. It is a revolving carousel of then, now, to be. Maybe part of it is that I'm still a bit loopy, too? Not sure my body has caught up with all the travel and time changes.

Tried to stay present and hold the hands of the people I love throughout the day today. Made every effort to be present at every bite of yummy home town goodies. Really felt the comfort of my goddaughter's home as she made us all feel so welcome and loved. And so grateful to Memoo and Jeppy, your grandma and grandpa, for hosting us, opening their home including letting me do laundry, having Mountain Dew on hand for Mr. Hawk, and giving us such a cozy landing spot to sleep and process.

Talents in our family...

It often strikes me that I wonder if you would have had a singing voice like your dad, and musical talent like your brother Peter.

Someone once asked me, "If you could have any talent or ability, what would it be?" Answer:

Anything. I wish I could sing. Just anything. Opera. Jazz. Folk songs. Lullabye. Anything. I wish I could open my mouth and hear something in tune and lovely flow out from my heart, from my mood, from my core.

I wish I could sing a classic like One For My Baby and have it sound swingin'. I wish I could sing a Weepies tune or Joan Osborne tune and sound like a GRRRL singer. Or how about a Cindy Lauper or Luscious Jackson tune. Or just to sing out when grief really hits me.

But nooooooooooooooooo. I'm flat. I'm tuneless. Hopeless. Not to mention scared and unable to just open my breath and let anything flow. It comes out all raspy, uptight, and griping.

Ah, well. I guess as long as your dad is willing to put up with my tuneless screeching in the shower, that's good enough and will have to serve my musical longings. But it still crosses my mind now and again, wondering what your singing voice would have been like, Kota. I miss you.