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Hey Babyboy Kota...and your brothers, too, but specifically you coz you'd be quarter of a century today. Sigh. I miss you AND at the same time I still am glad none of you decided to fully come here because, wow, we are in a hellscape in this world now. I'm scared all the time for your living sibs and the grands. You all deserved so much better than what the elders of this capitalist hellscape have done to all of us.
All that said, I still miss you. Dreamed about last night sort of ... it was impression of you, not like clarity of previous dreams. Was walking this different spaces realizing that I had to cast spells to fully see what was in those spaces. In one there was M the cat from upstairs on a pillow in a window and there was a light / aura residue that you'd been there petting him not long prior.
Left me feeling fully that quarter of a century is forever and no time at all in the same breath.
25 years.
How is it 25 years. And yet also geesh 1999 was forever ago, too.
Realized in this new year that I'm very very far away from the poetic life I thought we'd have. In all ways. It's been years since I had a regular practice of writing poetry. And the ideas I had for what made a poetic life changed materially in the outbreak of the plague. This world will not recover in my lifetime, so I will have to redefine poetic life if I want any touch into that again. It's amazing how grief makes us redefine EVERYTHING over and over again.
Wrote my first poem in years the other day:
Disconnected
I feel completely disconnected.
My inner landline needs a jack,
but you keep pointing me toward cell towers.
My inner modem wants to beep boop ring-sing before being available,
but you want to swipe up and be on.
I am of this world,
but not sure I'm entirely built for it
Age of GenX straddling the pre-tech to tech world maybe? Questioning all the foundations.
I wonder where you are...what are you...what is it that i still vision as you...why you materially came to us and then left - though i know the why if i'm honest. But still the great why of being human. I wonder what would interest you? What kinds of questions would you be asking of life? What disillusionments would you share w me if any? What would be the thing and experiences that make you happy or feel safe or like it was all worth it? Would you have ended up disabled and chronic as we both have given the way the plague ran through here in 2019 Christmas? What of your brothers?
Looking out at the trees and drizzle rain and just feel nothing.
One day runs into the next. The accomplishment and promises of adult life were all carrot and stick lies of capitalism to keep us running bunnies. It's all bullshit. There are only the dopamine moments you create for yourselves. And I'm not sure that's enough to justify this bullshit hellscape. I am still glad you and your brothers chose to not stay here. You are better off.
Dad and I miss you much though...my selfish craving for dopamine hits that include you :) I'm sorry I didn't get a cake and haven't had the bandwidth to make cupcakes. I brought you the roses above...the lure of Spring's soon arrival. Looking forward to the tree swing and sunshine and rainbow sunglasses that allow me to see the tree tops coz they are prescription. Hope to glimpse you hanging out w the Tree Devas! xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxooxoxo
