Wednesday, November 16, 2011


Hi has been a very very long time since I was here. Sorry about that. I even managed to miss your birthday here this year though a handwritten letter did go into your birthday book here at the house. 

So many things have happened since I last wrote you here. Your baby brother Zuzu died at birth last summer 2010. We uprooted our island life and moved back to the mainland to Sedona. And I can't believe you would be 12 years old this year. I can't even vision what you as a 12 year old would be begging for for Christmas this year. I miss you so much. 

When we landed here at the new house, your Auntie Katie came over with a house warming gift. Sharing a photo of it here for you. Would you look at that? I have looked a long time for a butsudan for you -- and now for you and your brother. And Auntie Katie showed up on our doorstep with it when we landed here. I was so overwhelmed by her kindness. When I did our Day of the Dead altar this year, I did it around the butsudan. 

Anyway... did you know you your sister had another baby this year? You have a nephew -- beautiful baby -- we've all taken to calling him Buddha as he's so round and happy and then meditative at times. With our move down here to Sedona, I do miss the grandbabies very much. 

I don't know, Kota. Somedays you seem so far away. Other days I ache with how close you are and yet out of physical reach. Your daddy found an article about how cremated ashes can be fired into crystal beads. They are so beautiful. I thought about doing that with your ashes and presenting them to daddy for the holidays. But I'm so scared to "send you off" anywhere. Silly isn't it that I should be scared. But I feel your ashes are all I have left. 

I miss you so much, my-should-be-growing-boy. 

Sending you love and tears and hugs...wishing always that you were here...