Hello, my Loves.
Though I thinking of you multiple times a day, it has been a long while since I sat down to write to you. Not even sure why writing at this point means anything, but here we are. Kota's birthday this week coinciding with, oh, you know, the beginning of the end of the world, well, yeah. Your Daddy is an amazing man. I told him in the wee hours of an anxious insomnia that I was glad you all are not here to live through this. He told me he's not as unselfish as me and would still rather you be here to be hugged and told how much we love you. I do hope, wherever you each are now, IF there is a "there," that you are well and loved.
Laughed to myself on Wednesday morning in my first conscious moment of your 21st birthday, Kota, thinking I hope you would not have been an alcohol kid, but that if you were here I'd have taken you to your first venture into the pot shop. That probably tells you how terrible of a mum I would have been. But I think I would have enjoyed laughing hardily with you and savoring a birthday cake when the munchies came on! Or maybe I would have ended up being the kind of mum you just wanted to get away from, and I'd just be missing you in a different way on your 21st. Who knows.
Do you ever see Mimi or Unkie over there (if there is a there)? I miss them both so much, too. Watched Grace & Frankie the other night and found myself endlessly fascinated with Martin Sheen because his hair and body shape and movements look soooo much like Unkie before he got deathly skinny w the cancer. I wondered what it would have been like to see each of you actually animated and moving and to have seen your hair grow in even longer and curlier than it was at birth, Kota.
Anyway. Not sure why bother writing here now as I said. But maybe it is just feeling that this is one spot where I can actually put I LOVE YOU out there in a "real" way. It isn't quiet and unseen, but fully here. As long as I remember, then you are still part of me. For whatever that is worth to any of us.
I miss you.
Momma
