Your daddy bought me that beautiful sculpture in the middle photo. It was something I had seen a year and a half ago maybe, but passed it up at the time. Regretted it from the moment I walked away from it. And with each foray out into the world, I'd look for it or a similar one again. Never could find it. Then, the day before your birthday this year, we walked into a little shop and there it was. Daddy bought it right away. I'm sure it is *far* from what you would have wanted as a living breathing 13 year old, but since you are not here -- since it is a gift in proxy -- well, this was the heART that came home with us.
We didn't either much feel like cake this year either -- again, I'm sure a growing and constantly hungry 13 year old would never have wanted watermelon, but there it is in your absence (in the bottom photo). Was sort of funny to light candles on a watermelon, but it worked. And it was yummy :)
In my reluctant return to the grid, I miss you more than ever. I view the world with more and more questions and ponder the absurdity of it all. Why some live and some die? Why anyone wants to continue living in this ridiculous world? What would you have made of it all as you grew and learned and woke up to adulthood?
Your daddy keeps telling me to stay in the moment. Find the joy right now because everything else is illusion. Stay with my breath and keep creating the playground of my life. Some moments it is so difficult to do that as the world seems pointless. The best I could in the days around your birth/death day was to escape. Two films save me over and over...
"I feel so happy here. This place makes me feel flooded with love. The important thing is to have lots of love about. I was very stingly with it back home. I use to measure and count it out. I had this obseesion with justice, you see. I wouldn’t love Mellersh unless he loved me back exactly as much, but he didn’t and neither did I. The emptiness of it all."
~Lottie, Enchanted April
"Any arbitrary turning along the way, and I would be elsewhere. I would be different. What are four walls, anyway? They are what they contain. The house protects the dreamer. Unthinkably good things can happen, even late in the game. It's such a surprise."
~Under The Tuscan Sun
Remember, baby boy, your momma loves you!