Friday, August 10, 2012

Of firsts and seconds and thirds...

Hey loves...
Kota, I thought you wouldn't mind if I take some space here to collect my thoughts and letters, not only to you, but also to your baby brother.  Zuzu's (your father has decided Mizuko's nickname would have been Zuzu) 2nd birth/death day was today.  It's been both a suckfest and just another day on planet earth with its rounds and rounds of monkey mind, cracked hearts, and moments of nothing but mussed up courage.

Zuzu, lovie, missed you bunches today.  Had a lovely check in with your Auntie Lynndee yesterday where I realized consciously for the first time, that I had not done a single bit of new art since May maybe??  So as your birthday rang in during the wee hours last night, I sat to sketch you a little something.  I had nothing in mind when I started.  Just a blank page.  It was the first page in a new journal, and I had the thought that it would be funny to page mark it "2" since it is your second bday.  And then the three little flowers were just sort of, you know, two candles and one to grow on, like you'd have had on a birthday cake.  And the heart is just my heart reaching for is outside the body of the mother in the image because that is still how it feels here.  My heart is always out of place here, reaching for you and your brother.

I can't stop thinking of you two lately.  Daddy has changed so many things recently.  Quit fire smoking, has begun meditating, given up any food that once had a face.  I can't help but think you two probably would have always had a lean more toward veggies'd have been breastfeeding while I was eating greens like crazy.  :)  But I sort of laugh watching how all the changes are upheaval for just us alone, and I can't help but wonder what you, still a little terrible two'er and your big bro who would be a roudy teenager now, would make of this house now?

The days like today -- well, if I'm honest, every single day -- simultaneously go too fast *and* feel like a barren land.  Auntie Lynndee helped me re-check to figure out even how to hear what the days call me to now.  Some days just feel so lost -- especially since your cousin Erin died last month -- that my head won't stop hurting, and it just seems easier to sleep and wish it all to be gone.  Of course, you can imagine that makes Daddy ache as he wants to have full days together and steal every moment dry of all it has to offer.  I always have been more of the Eeyore in this family.

Baby Boy, I miss you terribly.  I wish there were more to do for you from here, other than build cairns out on the trails.  The present moments we have, are...well... just are.  But they are always also without you.  And with you.  But I do wish they were moments with you here in a more physical way.

I would have made you avocado chocolate pudding or brownies today.  Sending them in spirit.  Get messy and eat them up yummy, love.