BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU A LOT...

Hey Kota, 

When I set up this blog a couple month's ago, I thought I'd be here a lot writing and talking with you. But time seems to fly, the summer days packed so full. So it wasn't until I took a couple days off this week to read the last Harry Potter book that I suddenly felt compelled to come back here. 

It's been emotional for me. The content of the book itself is a roller coaster ride. But the action of reading the book has been emotional. I can't help but think of you as an 8 year old boy. Would we have gone to the book parties that night? Would you have wanted me to draw an HP scar on your forehead? Would we have taken turns reading the book outloud to each other? Would I have hesitated at the part where Mrs. Weasley goes after Bellatrix yelling, "Stay away from my daughter, you BI*CH!"  :)

And there is so much in the content of this book that is about death, grief, learning to live again after the full knowledge of what it means to live "without" the other person alive. Would we have been able to talk about that in any real way? Or would I have felt you were young and didn't need to know death in any real way yet? Would I have tried to shield you from the full expression of grief -- curtailing, inadvertently, emotional expression in general? 

Then, of course, I come back to my "right mind" and realize that all those questions are pointless. You are not here. I will not face those quandries of questions in any real way. And it leaves me wondering what the point was to your life and death? Why does the myth of Harry Potter bring up so much for me about the path of our lives? 

Yet there are no answers. No answers. No answers. Just the unfolding of one moment into the next. 

And isn't that the crux of human experience? To acknowledge fully, the mystery of "life", the unanswerable questions AND to still live fully in the moment *experiencing* whatever is in front of us. 

Well, the "why"s and "wherefore"s abound for me. But you continue to be a living experience in my present moments, love. Thank you for teaching me this lesson. 

My heart, 
xoxoxoxo's from Mom