THE MORE TIME THAT GOES BY...

Hi Kota. The more time that goes by, the more I wonder at the life we've been left living since your death. It's as if you taught us what the mother of all transitions is like: the death of previously constructed self, the neutral zone of a neither-land, the total destruction of what was, the emerging of the redefined self, the slow rebuilding, atom by atom, sand grain by sand grain, pebble by pebble, rock by rock, brick by brick. 

I have always lived somewhat off the grid, on the fringes. But your death pushed me completely out of the realms of this quick witted bloom and fade world. I was forced to the floor. Many days I am again forced with the weight of a 1,000 Buddhas completely flat. And the unforgiving speed of broadband life whizzes by while I am languished in different kind of world. 

And nothing has ever been built again in some faux, rock solid pattern of an ancient castle that is still used and lived in. But instead there is an ebb and flow. Like a monk going out into the world, gathering wealth and material items as he works, only to come back to the homeless shelter of the monastery and give it all up to the community fund. 

I don't know. This is all conjecture. I actually have no answers at all. 

Except to know that I have not been able to define anything since the moment you died. Neither self nor love, neither relationship nor work, neither living nor learning. There is no definition for anything. 

It is all constantly fluid and always moving and never the same twice. It's always the ocean, but it never ceases changing, moving, flowing. 

What's that line from Now Voyager: 

Let's not ask for the moon. 
We have the stars. 

Maybe that's it. If you ask me if I'll be happy, I won't be able to say yes. But only, "Let's not ask for the moon. We have the stars." 

Anyway... 
Hey Kota, tell Joel I send my thank yous to him for being so present to his Mom these last 6 weeks. She really needed that! I can't wait to finally chat with her and hear all about it. 

Miracles and much love to you -- and Joel, too... 
xoxox 
Mom